A walk down the street, an exercise at the gym, a night out with friends or strangers and their fake laughter – time wasting, time catching and people watching – people were so transparent, instead of bodies I saw souls, instead of mind vibrations I saw future plans and repetition of ways of living. We were alone, never whole, almost any time on the edge of despair thinking, thinking too much to be able to see how quickly the connections were gone, how shallow we were rejecting the lover in front of us, how patient we were in moments of heat.
We were all self-absorbed idealists, sweating out our anger and obsessions at the gym, going out, going away, coming home and forgetting all the emotions, because we were either used to being alone or we thought we deserved more. But this was more, this was all – standing face to face with that lover, saying something wrong, feeling something right. This was all – success and failure didn’t matter in the glimpse of the importance of a heart race, innocent thought, an image of a cruel love-making on the wall, in the steam room, on the grass on an occasional hot summer day and the fresh blurred memory afterwards – the fear of leaving too soon, staying too long, running away, holding on and all the rest.
Another day, another missed chance to look in the mirror and find cruelty and innocence becoming one; first Sun rays and a lot of vagueness in the rush hour of the morning after – body in pain from sweating emotions out, never-ending thirst, heart not racing fast enough, mind completely gone, only the eyes of others never changed in the turn of seasons. This is how I was brought back to winter in the peak of summer, where life was so quick, life was the same.