We faded in and out of black, watched far less sunsets than we talked about, filtered them to look more beautiful in our memories and waited years to wake up and start a new life, diminishing the brief vibrations of real connections. By the time the Sun set down, the pretty had by then become ugly and we went back to sleep, fucked up, lonely, terrified until we faded in again, having forgotten what we had loved, convincing ourselves that there would be more sunsets to catch and they never failed to come in different shades, unrecognisable, like our own consciousness.
I stared at the vast field in Berlin with pointless and inconsistent thoughts of the shimmering insanity of an eternally ignorant present, the blackouts in important moments, the rare physical satisfactions, the time ticking and all those people, including me, trying to figure the world out in the wrong way, with the wrong person. The platform of this inadequate world with too many filters, too much choice and improving perfection, was so unappealing and lost behind the honest flaws and awkward confessions. By the time I had finished the existential conversation with myself, everybody was still taking countless pictures of the sunset. We have seen it digitally more than in reality, we have talked about fucking with strangers more than we had made the effort to leave our safe bubbles and expectations, getting higher with the change of light.
I arrived back with shades of white dreams, black boots and a dirty Martini on my agenda and ended up thinking of all the untouched and ruined hearts from lack of actual sharing; the joy happening far away in distant and strange places, the aloneness in between the screaming bunch – whatever glimpse of an impossible infinity was there, our tired minds were scarcely absorbing it, trying to magically multiply our pleasures.
I wanted to go back to Berlin, be lonely in the unstoppable delirious crowd, watch a sunrise without taking any pictures, outside of my bubble, ready to be ruined and never forget the things that shouldn’t fade out to black.