Starting the day with Johnny Cash on an early Sunday morning after too much sleep and replay of past conversations, wishing I had never slept and I was fucked up instead of wide awake, hungry and counting the minutes until it was time to call someone up or drink alone.
We aimed to effortlessly get to the big picture, trying to hide our gentle hearts and difficult personalities, skipping to notice how we were ceasing to exist behind false projections and idealised images of people. We got confused and took diverse turns on the way to nowhere, convinced ourselves that we either didn’t deserve anything or we deserved a lot more and we rarely ended up moving someone who understood our puzzles and took pleasure seriously.
We corresponded better with denial than the conscious choice of facing the ultimate, not so painful, but boring realization of how uneventful timing was – it took us years to mature, it took us ages to make money and find the right use of it – if we ever did; it took us forever to stop in the middle of the wilderness of society and vanity and recognize any little vibration of an excitement that we didn’t like to confess we were aroused by; the things that we were pushed to do, we were embarrassed to admit we had done but we admit them anyway because we wanted to be beautiful and desired more than loved.
I was too happy to write about all the possible, sure to come, downfalls in the near future, up in the air, in distant grounds and claustrophobic suffocations in dedicated and anticipated times; I tried not to fail being present in a rare moment of closure, in a delirious state of wanting more before the moment had passed, diminishing the size and amount of the importance of pleasure in such a meaningless and hungry life compared to the fast, full and busy universe. The sore body and thoughts on the day after, the surprising heat in the summer and the lack of blurred memories were speeding up faster than ever, revealing an endless land of uncertainty, shaky decisions, pathetic praying souls for unreachable beach destinations, a long drive away to green places where pleasure remained as desirable as yesterday.