“It isn’t enough for your heart to break because everybody’s heart is broken now.” Allen Ginsberg
All the glittered stupid Christmas balls, staring through my office window doomed sky and small people running down with their normal lives, when has it begun when will this world end, when we truly understand the speed of time all arguments would need to be put down to sleep for good. There was only one big argument in life, the meaning of life, the purpose the existence the insides and outs of our worries and desires up in the air down beneath the ground feelings of over-reacting, embarrassment and at the end we were going to die without finding any satisfying answers. Did that make any difference? We would be dead anyway, whatever that would be, let’s say we wouldn’t be able to worry about not having found this shit out. But it did matter, it did matter that we avoided all complications and found comfort in simple bluebird minds, inevitably breaking trust and hurting people, especially now before my birthday and the holidays, loneliness was unthinkable I didn’t want to let her go in the middle of the night but I was also way too tired to deal with her issues and make her stay.
I was always amazed how she could equalize the power of both, listening to my heart beat while we were snuggled in bed and feeling the absence of my dick inside of her while I was gone. How did we go on searching for more life when this was it, the inability to untie the forever-ness fantasy from the geographical convenience. We didn’t recognise faces, we only sensed auras of the people we loved, early Christmas lights and another year has gone, we were afraid of being boring and worthless, indulging in distractions hoping to be seen differently and eventually saved. A brief Sunday stroll down the foggy road, I’ll hold your neck any time, you are mine, now, despite of your flushed cheeks and tangled hair, I forbid you to ever wear any panties and wrongly-coloured socks. You didn’t look at me while I fucked you, foreseeing the future pain of the opposite-ness, eyes wide open and someone else inside of you, how could this be? You will fuck someone else only if I force you to. But for now, let’s take a longer stroll I want to check if you told me the truth when you promised not to wear panties.
We knew it all essentially, we were right about everything because nothing ever changed and no matter the struggle to get up in the morning find a better job, win over a pussy and tons of it, what? What did any of this matter? The satisfaction we got from watching our lover get fucked, the holidays in distant rich resorts, being admired, relieved to have escaped from problems, what did that matter? It was the same with the little things like coffee, sunshine, socks, laughter and what? Happiness was brief impossible to catch, however we only strived for it because it was better than pain which we so tried to avoid as well as loneliness and worthlessness, but did we truly know happiness? Here on Strand where yesterday’s pain was as demanding, wanting everything of life, and right now, we wanted to be sure that everything will be better while we were young before we had become scared shitless that all the days and shades will pass. But there we were, moving on and forgetting about the way it felt to be with that one person, their smell and expression during climax, it was gone together with the wild side we never fully walked, somehow disappointed we didn’t suffer more.
Life is not about the big picture
It’s the moments seemingly coincidental, a slow dance, belonging not in places but in sensations. We’d never be with the person we love, we’d never achieve all of our plans and dreams and it was alright. Life was in the heart racings in between the big chase, sharing a bottle of water at the dance floor on Halloween when all the masks were down, not expecting anything yet wanting everything, believing in our tight beats of a heart and being foolish enough to never question the speed and reasons for its beat. Go go with it over the platform across the border through the shore of the most recognisable eyes you will ever know, it’s there, what you’re wondering about life. All of it and not just parts of it, still turned on and left behind, post-mistakes and self-doubt, put them all in a moon in a star they are building your whole self, massive and bigger than your ultimate goal.