“Because in the end, you won’t remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain.” Jack Kerouac
Charmingly aware of her little craziness she stood at the door refusing to leave. And since now you could arrange threesomes and all sorts of filthy stuff online why not fuck someone else’s wife or get Lea get fucked by someone else and I’d watch her and force her onto him until her cheeks got flushed more than the usual. One day I would go back to writing and I would tell a true story about a few people, maybe two or three, who didn’t want to be satisfied with mediocre middle vanilla places and who were after something bigger in life and they were going to find it because a guy I met who called himself Joseph told me once and I held on to it until I believed it. I wish there was a power powerful enough to make me stay on my keyboard until I finished this book until everything had been drained out of me and people finally stopped questioning me about all that didn’t matter. I don’t think I fell in love with Lea, I loved her adoring me. I loved her honest vulnerability and fears, her readiness to do everything for me, she was just never going away, she was here and it often made me wonder if there was anything I could do that would make her go away and honestly, I tried many things and nothing did it so accepted her in my life.
We will go somewhere in life where all the dreamers won’t dream any more, where dreams are life. I never asked Joseph about his dreams and I felt bad, he made me go back home and write more than I was ready to when I was only ready to go to bed, eat, sleep go to the office, drink and sleep again. But no matter how often or how long I kept on doing this for, I was simultaneously disgusted by all the people who didn’t give in to their soul searches. I was hiding and pathetic behind the trust of my talent, unlike Joseph who worked harder than anyone and could easily fuck ten times daily, I thought of him sometimes when I was invested in my laziness or aloneness and how we never got together for a little sex party or something we only spoke about it once in Notting Hill and then nothing ever happened, of course.
We always dreamt of what we couldn’t have, what we failed to fight for to take over, regrets taking over our lives and speed-dragging us to the moon and beyond feasible universes and stirred norms. I thought of Joseph and Elvira together, they made such a wonderful couple she had that seductive dark-skinned face that everyone liked, it made you wanna fuck her gently and roughly equally, choke her and stroke her hair and cheekbones. I started dreaming of her because I knew Joseph was possessive of her and I could never get in there and she didn’t respond to my innocent, not so innocent requests to meet up but I was still in that carried-away-space where my thoughts seemed possible and for some reason, nearing. She put on her necklace and rings, put her pale lip balm on, Joseph was somewhere having his threesomes because supposedly he believed Elvira would leave him but he still held on to her and he had it all while I was only watching her tiny body lingering around the kitchen either waiting for Joseph to get home or debating over my persuasive texts or maybe none of those things was present in her pretty head but the desire to get high and drop all to fate or force or life, something out of her hands.
It all went to vain dust puffy clouds and bins, our compassion caring about the Christmas tree and old friends, the hell with them. I just wanted to be alone, times were difficult for dreamers but they were the best times the lonely delirious times leaving traces of heavy journeys, horrible flights and endurance. Lots of endurance. It brought us that high, higher than the sky. Lea, Le-e-a. She was my Loleeta. She looked so sweet and innocent and only I knew her roaring plans for moments of filth her juices streaming down her knees. She would smile and I would know she had just thought of being pinned around my corridor dragged up by her hair to wherever I had decided, she’d look at me and I’d know her mind and she’d know that I knew. There must have been some sort of decision made to put us next to each other at this moment of time otherwise the whole existence wouldn’t make any sense.
Four days is nothing to wait it was so little, yet the biggest wait in history. I needed to know how the days could go faster and speed up to her and the eternal vision of her before me. ‘I would grab you, you little thing, can’t you hurry? It’s getting dark out there, my genius is fading but I don’t care because I’d rather be a stupid fool with you than a genius waiting for you.’
Fake snow, Oxford Street, the things I hated most at this moment fake-ness and a busy pointless road that only led to more roads, all the lightness we failed to get to like feathers lighter than the snow 15th of December we had to wait for a new year, new nothing. There was a blue painting all ready and packed to be shipped away are you going to be there in January, are you going to be there when the skies would be longer and you would see the blue the way it was, the way nobody else could see it. I saw January I saw planets when you were near, I’d fall asleep I’d fall awake until there was nothing left to count to, but there would always be something on the way something to cross over to torture the mind with, like glorified broken hearts but it was all right, I liked my heart broken. The sole thing that united our despair. Shut up everyone around me with their commonplace things, there was the whole sense and soul and core of everything to be talked about instead, things that would lead destinations ahead to better times or the least our hope for it, just the hope even if hopeless and foolish was better than the chit-chatting behind me, and there was no escape out there in the same streets, offices and noise, my only escape was myself my inner self putting up a tape all over my body to block the common, stare at blue depths and search for lightness of beings and broken things beautifully worthily broken to build a greater wholeness.