Morning coffee the balcony she had never seen before the side of me she didn’t know, I decide not to fuck her today it’s a tiresome Sunday 8am and her heart skips too many beats and makes her all rigid and crazy for the people she loves I just let it go and move on she hates it when I don’t fuck her, how much time has passed since the first time we met since the first time we did drugs together and all the fantasies we have explored it’s so long life isn’t short at all, it’s us that’s running too fast and skipping moments that should have been bigger and better, all the wrong decisions we keep on making supposed to teach us something but we stay in our patterns waiting for the others to change instead of us. We should be running towards and inside of ourselves not chasing and fearing of losing people so much that they’d rather throw us out than assure us of the eternity, she slips into her skirt and trainers, leather jacket about to leave and I tell her I am the right person for her but she’s not right for me, I actually don’t say that to her but she knows I mean it and believes I’m wrong and there is an eternity, she walks down the stairs to some Chelsea streets how much more can we learn and change and expect to grow and have a slow and long life and why should we? Why doesn’t she just run back to me and jump on me and never let me go?
The hard heart racing throughout this whole bus journey and the journey in my head altogether it was like rocks and icebergs colliding inside of me the rare London sun and midnight calls the mind games the craving the desires her intensity and how she adored me in spite of it all, I’d jump off the bus and run to her but instead I ran away it was all too much and destroying us both, but we played our games just enough to keep the fire lit because if we weren’t burning we were dead and we’d rather burn but live. Stuck in traffic my thoughts don’t even wonder, every single thing I have ever thought of or felt is being cut open like surgeons saving lives and I was all of the patients ever cut in this whole existence of humanity and I wake up and ask for more and I’m suddenly addicted to being cut open and I can’t live without it, I can’t live without the turbulence of wanting her and being wanted by her simultaneously we fall asleep and wake up together, have breakfast and laugh, the everyday dream so ridiculously impossible that never even crosses neither of our minds, we are too busy shining and suffering for all who can’t escape their everyday routines we jump for all we take it in for innumerable years it’s like centuries of being together without actually being together we burn each other and save each other at the same time, it’s everything we’re everything – each object and event in the world consists in us, the world would fall apart if we refuse to play but it would also fall apart if we become one so you see, we don’t have a choice so it makes it easier not to choose each other and every single day when she chooses me because she can’t help it I have to run away.
Run and go all the way where it’s foolish and impossible to understand for others at least, you don’t need to be overwhelmed with understanding yet, just go so far away that not coming back doesn’t scare you anymore and all I am talking about is that emotional journey of yours that’s where you travel and grow and live inside of yourself and you sometimes let others in, sometimes you avoid conversations and looking into people’s eyes and it’s ok you’ll get there you’ll go further where there is no reason to hide who you are and someone will understand. She takes his dick in her mouth while I’m inside of her and I don’t even feel like she’s mine anymore because she’s too much mine to be able to separate her from my existence, she finally obeys to me and nothing that has ever worried her comes on the way I sip my wine and type on my phone while still inside of her hot pussy there are hundreds and hundreds of people in our lives saying things wanting us and there might be more beautiful times ahead but this one was ours. Days, nights, seasons, wars and eras pass by us in an instant along with some of those moments when I was rude and she was annoying but they are all part of today and of both of us; I look at her – she’s cold she can’t get the fireplace to work she can’t do anything I want to make her do everything, make her whole, make her see me and see beyond the lifestyle she condemns so much, everything flows and it’s real.
I could see her crushed heart through the poppers’ burst of laughter, her disappointment of herself and how she hadn’t become a better person a better version of herself so she’d deserve me and get her ever after fantasy with me and nobody else, how fragile we all were underestimating our value and importance in the world we thought we had to improve we had to be better we had to have more stuff more power more this more that when we didn’t realize we had it all even if we couldn’t have something it was ours and I wish she could see that even though she couldn’t have me I was still hers, the things that really belonged to us were all intangible but no – she had to fight and go on journeys of struggle and tormented laughter and tears and waves of extremes it must have been so good and immensely unbearably painful at the same time so high up higher than the highest mountain peaks and what’s above the sky and the Earth and further up until there was nowhere higher to go to, her heart made that whole trip from my sofa and came back down in a matter of a single second and then hundreds times more so I couldn’t let her stay at mine and watch all that work and trouble her heart was going through for me, and she was wrong, I was, in fact the one not worthy of her love even though she’d deny it for the rest of her life but she will know one day that I’ve saved her she’ll remember those early morning clips of porn and each detail of them, the bottle of poppers and what its label said, her amazing laughter and how it felt to cry from laughing too hard for a change, she’ll remember me fingering her in the cab the tequila the toilet paper everything, and I overpower her annoying and cute stubbornness of trying to stay here forever, I call her an uber and I save her.